The Main Characters
Clark Kent/Superman: Christopher Reeve! He actually wrote this film, and it's bad.
Lois Lane: Margot Kidder! As annoying as ever.Perry White: Jackie Cooper! Editor of the daily planet.
Lex Luthor: Gene Hackman! He broke out of prison again. Yeah. I think they need to put him in a different prison.
Lenny Luthor: Jon Cryer! Lex Luthor's nephew!
Nuclear Man: Dolph Lundgren! What? What's that you say? You say it ISN'T Dolph Lundgren? Okay. It must be some other Russian/Swedish/German stuntman. But he is voiced by Gene Hackman! That's right, although this baddie was born of nuclear radiation and Superman's DNA, apparently he has blonde hair and Lex Luthor's voice. Makes perfect sense to me.
The Plot
Okay, the film begins with the opening titles that everyone says are cheap. But, at least they are the old style credits, and not the Superman III style titles, that looked like they were made using that cheap "Star Wars" format on video software. Superman then arrives in space somehow and saves a group of Cosmonauts (Russian astronauts) who are floating through space when they are suddenly struck by a piece of space junk hurtling towards them somehow, despite it not having any rocket boosters. Superman cheesily flies towards the screen, and get used to how it looks because you see the same blue screen shot around fifty times in this movie. So, back to Earth it was revealed that the Daily Planet has been sold to the majority shareholder, the owner of a tabloid newspaper. So, naturally this becomes a major plot point in the film and the Daily Planet becomes a tabloid. The owner, played by Jackie Cooper, disappears after five minutes into the film, because he wants to go "downtown". He actually remains "downtown" for the rest of the movie. So, after this, the new manager's daughter begins to fall for Clark, because he is "so cool".
REALLY????
So, the president suddenly comes on the television set and proclaims that all of a sudden, there is a nuclear crisis that needs to be resolved. So, then it cuts to one of the most pointless scenes in the entire film. It transitions into a classroom where a teacher is asking a student named Jeremy what he thinks should be done about the conflict. Jeremy realizes that Superman is the answer and writes a letter to him, which Lois Lane gives to Clark Kent, I guess. Meanwhile, Superman has been getting serious about the nuclear conflict, and instead of saving lives, he decides to watch the news with a serious expression on his face. Lois Lane knocks and Clark answers the door, and leads her to the balcony where he ACTUALLY does an exact recap of the flying scene from Superman II, except he flies to California and back within two minutes. And the special effects in this scene are terrible. He lets Lois drop and she is falling like a feather. Lois doesn't even care that her co-worker is the MAN OF STEEL!!! She doesn't even ask! So, Clark flies back to Metropolis from California at a very slow speed within thirty seconds. He then gives her the mind-boggling kiss he gave her from Superman II. So, what was the point of that scene? Superman 4 seriously just remade that scene from Superman II! So, the Daily Planet instantly realizes that it wants to make Jeremy a celebrity, so Jeremy is flown to Metropolis, where he is a celebrity for, like two minutes, and Superman takes him on a "private" walk, accompanied by a photographer and a crowd of pedestrians. They go to the United Nations and Superman proclaims that, effective immediately, he will rid the world of all nuclear weapons. Everyone is okay with this, of course, because peace is so easy to achieve. So, Superman collects all of the nukes in the world, which can't be more than a hundred, despite the fact that the United States alone has over ten thousand STOCKPILES of nukes. He shoots them all into the sun. However, as all this is going down, something wicked this way comes, and Lenny Luthor (played by Jon Cryer!) breaks his uncle, Lex Luthor out of prison, for like the fiftieth time. They flee to Metropolis where Luthor meets with nuclear war profiteers to try and make all sorts of money by making more nuclear weapons. They agree and Luthor becomes rich. So, Luthor steals a strand of Superman's hair from a museum, which is strong enough to suspend a thousand pound weight. They succeed, and use it to put into a new nuclear weapon they make from radioactive elements. Superman takes the bait and hurtles it into the sun, and an evil clone of Superman is born, apparently in full clothing and glue on cat nails, with the power of electricity that he can use to defeat Superman. Wait a minute, why didn't Luthor just make a villain of solid Kryptonite? Then Superman couldn't stop him. Lex decides to just hang around in his bathrobe with a martini and just kind of waves off Nuclear Man, telling him to just "eh, whatever, just destroy superman". Lex proceeds to walk off screen. Well, wouldn't he want to see how it turns out? Well, whatever. He has Nucler Man now! So, now he only has to just let him go and nothing could POSSIBLY fail! So, Superman is scratched by Nuclear Man, which apparently can pierce his skin, you know, because it ISN'T Kryptonite. So, he takes days off work to heal, as he is sweating buckets. This probably has something to do with the fact that he has his fireplace on.
So, Superman is gone for a couple scenes, where he goes back to Smallville to take an energy module from Krypton that has been at his childhood home for years. Now, he's apparently aging rapidly, and the energy module saves his life.
Nuclear Man finds Superman, for some reason wanting the location of the publisher's daughter for some reason, although he had been given clear instructions to destroy Superman. He threatens to "hurt people";
and does, and Superman frantically tries to save everyone as he burns down parts of the city with fire? Superman has to use his freeze breath to stop it, and even a school bus, wait a minute! A SCHOOL BUS?!?! You've got to be kidding me. That's about as predictible as the kid or lady with a baby carriage in distress! He gives Nuclear Man a false lead, or red herring if you will, and tricks him into going into an elevator, which he rips out of the building and hurtles onto the lunar surface. There we go! There's the friggin' boss Superman we all know and love! But the sun rises and Nuclear Man's powers are given back, because of the crack in the two doors. Well, why didn't he just throw it into the dark side of the moon? Nuclear Man breaks out and tosses over the American flag. This proves to be the last straw for Superman, but he is beaten up by Nucler Man and literally buried in the lunar surface. (?) Yeah, because that plan couldn't POSSIBLY fail! Nuclear Man goes back to Earth and takes the new manager's daughter into space where she can apparently breathe and talk, and no severe case of the bends, crushing pressure, or you know, blood boiling. Superman saves her, brings her back to Earth, and actually moves the moon in front of the sun, therefore draining Nuclear Man's powers. He sends him into a nuclear power plant and forces him to power the city. After this, Jackie Cooper shows up again and reveals that he got a loan big enough to buy back all of the stocks on the company, therefore firing the majority shareholder, but keeping the shareholder's daughter, because she was nice. Lois Lane shouts "We did it!" despite the fact that she never did anything to help anyone. After this, Clark disappears again at the United Nations, and Lois teases him from behind his back. Clark turns into Superman and he gives a brief speech about how when the people of the Earth want peace so badly, the governments of the planet will have "no choice" but to give it to them. So, that's how peace works, I guess. He captures Lex and Lenny, who are running away and brings Luthor to prison, despite the fact that he should probably bring him to a different prison, because he has escaped from there so many times, and Lenny to Boy's Town. Well, with Lenny at Boy's Town, that leaves him open to becoming a chiropractor and living with his brother, Charlie on a beach house in Malibu. Superman ends the wonderful series flying into space and giving a wonderful smile to the camera.
Questionable Teaching
This elementary school classroom has a teacher who actually shows her kids a presidential speech about nuclear war, a topic none of them could possibly comprehend, and defenitely not something that they should be worried about at that age. They should be worried about fingerpainting!
Conclusions
Superman 4 is bad, but it isn't worse than Superman III. This is a SERIOUS guilty pleasure. I mean, this is really fun to watch. And everyone says that it is the worst in the series, but I really don't see how. Superman 4 was WAY better than Superman III. First of all, it actually kept you intersted because it wasn't a comedy. Sure, it kind of had a stupid message, and the effects are horrid, but it really isn't that awful as people say. The opening titles are better than Superman III's, and they didn't try to make it a comedy with Richard Pryor. Think about it, did anybody turn into a robot in this one??? Not to mention that Superman would defenitely be trying to rid nuclear weaponry for Earth. Plus, this movie is about peace, and you guys are going to pick at it because of trivial aspects?
No comments:
Post a Comment